The Wall I Built: Why I Push People Away (Even when I dont mean to)

Written By Lisa Chapman

Let me tell on myself for a minute.

There is a trait that I have wrestled with my entire life—or for as far back as I can remember—one that has cost me peace, connection and even relationships I deeply care about. Its something I’m not proud of but I know I’m not the only woman who does this…

When I get overwhelmed, I shut down.

I disappear.

I put up a wall so tall it could block out the sun!

And the wild part?

IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH NOT CARING.

It has everything to do with caring too much.

WHY I PUSH PEOPLE AWAY

I don’t push people away because I’m cold or distant. I push them away because somewhere along the way, life taught me a very twisted lesson: If you want to survive you better be the strong one.

So I became: the do it yourself girl, the rescuer, the peacekeeper, the problem solver, the handler of all crises.

And when you live in “strong mode” long enough, vulnerability starts to feel dangerous.

As women a lot of us learned to carry everything — the job, the home, the pain, the people, the trauma, the experiences, the expectations—until our hearts are held together with spiritual duct tape.

So when life happens, when life gets heavy, heres what happens:

  1. I RETREAT INTO SILENCE-not because I dont want help, but because I dont know how to help without feeling like a burden.

  2. I OVERTHINKMY EMOTIONS-what if I’m too much? What if I’m not enough? What if they think I’m dramatic? What if they think I’m weak? Spoiler alert- none of those thoughts come from God!

  3. I ASSUME PEOPLE WONT SHOW UP FOR ME—When you’ve been let down before your heart remembers. Even when your mind says, “you’re safe now” your heart whispers, “are you sure?”

  4. I WORRY ABOUT BEING MISUNDERSTOOD—so instead of taking risking misinterpretation, I avoid the conversation altogether.

  5. I GO INTO OVERDRIVE—The busier I am the more numb I feel. Busyness (i had to look up how to spell that by the way) becomes my escape hatch—or netflix busy watching netflix.

The truth? I don’t push people away because of who they are. I push people away because of what I have lived through.

SO WHY THE WALL?

Lets talk about that big beautiful stubborn wall…I dont know if its really beautiful…but in my minds eye it is

Walls dont build themselves. Walls are built by:

  • broken trust

  • childhood wounds

  • being the responsible one too early

  • being hurt after opening up

  • staying strong for everybody else

  • carrying emotions that were never ours to carry

  • being told indirectly or directly that our feelings were too much

Our walls dont come from pride. Our walls come from pain. Mine came from little girl Lisa who felt unprotected, it came from grown woman Lisa who kept pushing through anyway. It came from part of me that still doesnt know what it feels like to be fully and safely held.

But heres the part that gives me hope:

WALLS PROTECT YOU BUT THEY ALSO ISOLATE YOU

And isolation isnt Gods design—not for me and not for you.

The bible says Above all else guard your heart…proverbs 4:23. IT DOES NOT SAY build a fortress around your heart and never let anyone in.

Theres a difference between guarding your heart and hiding your heart.

I have mastered hiding. Now I’m learning guarding—with wisdom, not fear.

YOUR NOT ALONE SIS

I know I am not the only woman who:

  • disappears when shes overwhelmed

  • shuts down when shes hurt

  • tries to be strong until she breaks

  • loves people deeply but doesnt know how to let them love her back

There are so many of us walking around with walls… standing next to each other…smiling…serving…leading…loving…and hurting quietly behind the scenes.

So if this is you too? I see you. I get you. And we dont have to live like this forever.

THE BEGINING OF HEALING

Healing doesnt start by ripping the whole wall down. It starts by opening one small eindow and letting God breathe inside again. For me healing looks like:

  • telling the truth about what I need

  • letting people help even when it feels uncomfortable

  • giving myself permission to not be the strong one all the time

  • recognizing that vulnerability is not weakness—its connection

  • trusting that God places the right people around me on purpose

Because here is the truth that hit me hard:

YOU CANT RECEIVE LOVE BEHIND A WALL
YOU CANT BE COMFORTED BEHIND A WALL
YOU CANT BE KNOWN BEHIND A WALL

And sis, we deserve to be known.

JUST MY THOUGHTS

Im a work in progress, you’re a work in progress and God is patient with both of us. If this resonates with you, just know this: Your wall kept you alive, but its not required for the woman you are becoming. And you and I are becoming something beautiful. Strength and softness, identity and healing, crowned and called.

Lisa Chapman
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Grace in the Gap